Well... hello, there
I just took a look at this place, and it looks awful.
So, I'll begin to clean up this place a little bit and start adding more (something I should have done sooner, I'll admit).
The background images for some of the gadgets I had are gone, for some reason, and I'm sure I'll find similar stuff if I go through some of my oldest posts here. Anyways, I'm back... more or less.
So, what have I been doing?
I've been quite busy, what with the change of major and and getting a part-time job.
Some confessions I would like to make?
Well, I am not proud to say I've hit some of my lowest points in the past months. I got depressed, and I did not even realized it until it started interfering with my life, my performance, and I got remitted to a doctor who then sent me to the psychologist/psychiatrist and diagnosed me with depression and some other things. It was hell.
All that time I never told my family (just a couple of friends, though never the entire picture), and I had to pretend everything was fine even when I felt like everything was falling apart and the world was crumbling before my eyes. More than once I had breakdowns after I came from work, because I had to remain strong while doing my job, but once I came home and closed the doors, and saw no one was at my house I just broke down in hysterics. My panic levels would go soaring high to the sky, and only after I felt emotionally empty did I realize I had just had another episode.
Has it gotten better?
I would love to say yes. I would love to say I have been great, better than I had been before all this happened... But I can't. While it certainly has improved, and such episodes haven't appeared in a while, I am afraid it's still there. I feel good, better than the previous months, I am not going to deny that, but it certainly does not feel as if I'm back to my previous self. You know, the one before all this madness began. I don't even know how it started, I only realized once everything went out of control.
Why am I saying this?
I guess for some sort of closure. My family it's really spiritual, in the religious sense. They know this feeling, they had been there too, but I don't believe they had to depend on pills to continue with their days. They never said anything about going to the doctor to talk about it, they managed to deal with it themselves, and get out of that place by their own. It made me feel useless and pathetic until I realized everyone is different. I do not have the same level of spirituality they seem to possess, nor do I know if I ever will. Maybe, who knows.
Some of the things they say hurt me sometimes, I am not sure if they are aware of it. I always made sure to not show that many emotion when it comes to that (maybe one of the many reasons I got into this mess, probably), but I cannot deny I was screaming inside my head about certain things.
My vision of the world is different from theirs, but some of their comments affected me personally, so I had to remain indifferent and just continue with my business.
... I still wonder if I'll ever tell them.