11 agosto, 2015

... Would you look at this place... I should make some changes...

Well... hello, there

I just took a look at this place, and it looks awful. 

So, I'll begin to clean up this place a little bit and start adding more (something I should have done sooner, I'll admit). 

The background images for some of the gadgets I had are gone, for some reason, and I'm sure I'll find similar stuff if I go through some of my oldest posts here. Anyways, I'm back... more or less.

So, what have I been doing? 
I've been quite busy, what with the change of major and and getting a part-time job.

Some confessions I would like to make?
Well, I am not proud to say I've hit some of my lowest points in the past months. I got depressed, and I did not even realized it until it started interfering with my life, my performance, and I got remitted to a doctor who then sent me to the psychologist/psychiatrist and diagnosed me with depression and some other things. It was hell. 

All that time I never told my family (just a couple of friends, though never the entire picture), and I had to pretend everything was fine even when I felt like everything was falling apart and the world was crumbling before my eyes. More than once I had breakdowns after I came from work, because I had to remain strong while doing my job, but once I came home and closed the doors, and saw no one was at my house I just broke down in hysterics. My panic levels would go soaring high to the sky, and only after I felt emotionally empty did I realize I had just had another episode. 

Has it gotten better? 
I would love to say yes. I would love to say I have been great, better than I had been before all this happened... But I can't. While it certainly has improved, and such episodes haven't appeared in a while, I am afraid it's still there. I feel good, better than the previous months, I am not going to deny that, but it certainly does not feel as if I'm back to my previous self. You know, the one before all this madness began. I don't even know how it started, I only realized once everything went out of control. 

Why am I saying this?
I guess for some sort of closure. My family it's really spiritual, in the religious sense. They know this feeling, they had been there too, but I don't believe they had to depend on pills to continue with their days. They never said anything about going to the doctor to talk about it, they managed to deal with it themselves, and get out of that place by their own. It made me feel useless and pathetic until I realized everyone is different. I do not have the same level of spirituality they seem to possess, nor do I know if I ever will. Maybe, who knows.

Some of the things they say hurt me sometimes, I am not sure if they are aware of it. I always made sure to not show that many emotion when it comes to that (maybe one of the many reasons I got into this mess, probably), but I cannot deny I was screaming inside my head about certain things. 

My vision of the world is different from theirs, but some of their comments affected me personally, so I had to remain indifferent and just continue with my business. 

... I still wonder if I'll ever tell them.


Leaving all that aside, I'll like to show you all, whoever dares to come here, my proudest achievement to date:

You can also go to my DeviantArt to see a more detailed info about it

Hail, Sawada Tsunayoshi, Vongola Decimo, also know as Neo Vongola Primo (which reminds me I should finish reading the manga...)

I also watched No.6 and then found the song Stay with Me (Alex Goot cover), and decided those Nezumi and Shion would somehow fit in the song. So I also made an AMV about it... and while I did finish it, it needs some more editing since there are some scenes that have been misplaced somehow. 


I made several progress videos while I was doing it. This just happens to be the second one, but it's not that different from the original, at least this part I mean. This is to let you see what my thinking process is. Nah, really, this is to see if it sucks or not. Your thoughts in the matter are more than appreciated! 

And here I leave a picture of my cat enjoying a bed that is most certainly not his own, but apparently he doesn't care about such things. 

 Until next time ^^

2 comentarios:

  1. Hola Xandra, me pregunto si me recuerdas. Realmente ha pasado un tiempo. Estoy impresionada de que continúes escribiendo en el blog. Como sigo teniendo la falta de perseverancia de un pez dorado (y debo estar insultándolos) admiro mucho que mantengas el blog aunque también estoy muy triste de escuchar de que no es una buena época para ti. Es triste ver como los años pasan y las cosas se complican aún más.

    Realmente lamento mucho que estés pasando por un periodo de depresión, un familiar cercano vivió muchos años con ello y aunque no podría decir que lo entiendo completamente (ya que los ataques de pánico son esas cosas que hay que experimentar para entender, como el parto) siento mucho que tengas que luchar contra eso, especialmente porque recuerdo la persona dedicada y talentosa que eres.

    La cuestión de la fe puede ser un poco triste a veces, por ejemplo ahora me gustaría tener la fe que mi madre tiene a dios y todos sus derivados católicos para desearte suerte pero solo puedo tener fe en tu fuerza y espíritu porque al final es todo lo que tenemos. Y aunque es solo un grano de arena me gustaría que saber de alguien que había desaparecido durante años sea un poco bueno, porque aunque siento mucho por lo que estás pasando me alegró saber de que este blog aún es un puente que me puede llevar a tí.

    Sólo eso, aunque estaré rondando por aquí (o juro que haré todo lo posible para hacerlo, pero mis promesas valen menos que la arena en el Sahara).


    1. ¡Ruku-chan! ¡Querida! ¡Tanto tiempo sin saber de tí! Por supuesto que me recuerdo, gracias tí ahora tengo una obsesion con KHR!, asi que por eso te agradezco.

      Lo mantengo en el sentido que de vez en cuando escribo algo, pero darle mantenimiento y ver que links estan caídos.... eh, bueno, eso es otra historia. Siempre digo que veré como esta eso y algo viene de la nada que me hace estar lejos de mis proyectos personales. ¡Estos ultimos meses en la universidad han sido una pesadilla! Una amiga sigue diciendome que piensa que tomé demasiadas clases, puede que tenga razón, pero me rehuso a darme por vencida justo ahora que falta tan poco para la meta.

      Gracias por tus palabras, no sabes el shock que me llevé cuando vi que alguien habia comentado y que ese alguien eras tú. Me sacó una sonrisa.

      Creéme, no ha sido tan fácil, pero ahi sigo, siempre para adelante. Cómo mencioné, estos últimos meses han sido mejor que los meses salidos del infierno de Dante que tuve exactamente el año pasado. Fue terrible, no sólo estaba tratando de lidiar con mis problemas... er... mentales, sino que tambien no hayaba como decirle a mi familia que me había salido de la carrera de ingenieria. Cómo dice el coloquialismo de algun pais, no tenía las pelotas para hacerle frente a eso.
      Al final me imagino que todo se apiló y terminó en un desastre. Gracias al cielo todo esta mejor y espero que asi siga. Mejorando.

      ¡Me ha alegrado volver a saber de ti! ¡Espero volver a leerte!


Hey there!
Sólo unas cuantas palabritas sabias de mi parte:
Si lo que te leiste no fue de tu agrado, sos libre de irte por donde viniste. Si gustas dejar un comentario antes de hacerlo, ten al menos la amabilidad de no usar palabras muy crudas ya que otros podrían sentirse ofendidos o tomarlo por el lado que no es.

¡Gracias por tu review!

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